So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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