I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
