Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
