Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
