My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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