By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
