just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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