I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
