if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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