I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
