win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
