i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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