Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize