The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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