yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
