Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
