What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
