His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
