at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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