The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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