if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
