we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
