I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
