i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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