Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
