Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Barsexuality is the new black.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
