am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
