Can i not drive my cunt home
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
COCAINE IS GR8
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