Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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