Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
