i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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