dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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