I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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