I could make wine with my vomit
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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