I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
