There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
