god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
