Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
