so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
