I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize