this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
