what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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