Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
