when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
