Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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