While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
