ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
