God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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