can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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