seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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