I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
