What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
