you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize