You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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