i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
