just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
