So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
