Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
they're like a gay fantastic four
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
